Webmaster forum - [OT] Snicker Break

Author

[OT] Snicker Break

Blinky the Shark

2006-06-08, 7:26 pm

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway
that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat for me."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

--
Blinky RLU 297263
Killing all posts from Google Groups
The Usenet Improvement Project: http://blinkynet.net/comp/uip5.html
Coming Soon: Filtering rules specific to various real news clients

DoobieDo

2006-06-08, 7:26 pm

"Blinky the Shark" <no.spam@box.invalid> wrote in message
news:slrne8a2cu.l84.no.spam@thurston.blinkynet.net...
>
> A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
>
> His wife told him "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway
> that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat for me."
>
> The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
> opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
>
>
HarHar!!

William Tasso

2006-06-08, 7:26 pm

Fleeing from the madness of the http://blinkynet.net jungle
Blinky the Shark <no.spam@box.invalid> stumbled into news:alt.www.webmaster
and said:

Please do let me hi-jack the off-topicness of this thread ...

Extremely important
===================

advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives,
girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in
general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in
June/July this year...

LIST OF RULES

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any
exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose
it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind,
as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If
you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to
the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up
the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please
do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the
games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am,
unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is
losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll
win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and
I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about
football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead
to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me
during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one"
game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time
together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen
them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a
game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you
have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we
can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World
Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this
comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League,
etc etc.

Thank you for your co-operation.

--
William Tasso

http://williamtasso.com/words/what-is-usenet.asp

Paul Watt

2006-06-08, 7:26 pm

"William Tasso" <SpamBlocked@tbdata.com> wrote in message
news:op.tapqxlvkm9g4qz-wnt@tbdata.com...
> Fleeing from the madness of the http://blinkynet.net jungle
> Blinky the Shark <no.spam@box.invalid> stumbled into
> news:alt.www.webmaster
> and said:
>
> Please do let me hi-jack the off-topicness of this thread ...
>
> Extremely important
> ===================
>
> advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives,
> girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in
> general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in
> June/July this year...
>
> LIST OF RULES
>
> 1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the
> newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
> Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
> fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
> totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
>
> 2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any
> exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will
> lose
> it (your eye).
>
> 3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind,
> as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If
> you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
> right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to
> the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
>
> 4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
> refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
> expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
> up
> the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.
>
> 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
> fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please
> do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the
> games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am,
> unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
>
> 6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is
> losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry,
> they'll
> win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and
> I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about
> football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only
> lead
> to a break up or divorce.
>
> 7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me
> during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
> halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one"
> game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend
> time
> together".
>
> 8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
> seen
> them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
>
> 9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
> parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
> a) I will not go,
> b) I will not go, and
> c) I will not go.
>
> 10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch
> a
> game, we will be there in a flash.
>
> 11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
> important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you
> have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we
> can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
>
> 12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World
> Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this
> comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier
> League,
> etc etc.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.
>
>

I'm going to print this out and give it to my missus!

--

Paul Watt
http://www.paulwatt.info

MGW

2006-06-08, 7:27 pm

On Tue, 06 Jun 2006 08:25:59 +0100, "William Tasso"
<SpamBlocked@tbdata.com> scrawled:

> advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives,
> girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in
> general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in
> June/July this year...
>
> LIST OF RULES
>
> 1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the
> newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
> Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
> fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
> totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention

Not over here. All the boy in my life cares about is that I can
intelligently discuss the Red Sox with him (and, thanks to him, I now
read the sports section daily for the important stuff - baseball and
football - and am fully cognizent of the relative merits of the
various sports writers and columnists.)

--
MGW
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even
when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. - Douglas Hofstadter

Dylan Parry

2006-06-08, 7:27 pm

MGW wrote:

> and, thanks to him, I now read the sports section daily for the
> important stuff - baseball and football

Oh well. I hope I'm not alone here, but no one on this planet could ever
get me to give the slightest toss about any sport whatsoever. Everything
about watching sport on TV (or live, it doesn't matter) is of no
interest to me, and I would rather go to sleep than watch any of the
World Cup matches.

--
Dylan Parry
http://electricfreedom.org -- Where the Music Progressively Rocks!

MGW

2006-06-08, 7:27 pm

On Tue, 6 Jun 2006 13:17:53 +0100, Dylan Parry <usenet@dylanparry.com>
scrawled:

> MGW wrote:
>
>
> Oh well. I hope I'm not alone here, but no one on this planet could ever
> get me to give the slightest toss about any sport whatsoever. Everything
> about watching sport on TV (or live, it doesn't matter) is of no
> interest to me, and I would rather go to sleep than watch any of the
> World Cup matches.

I used to be like that, except for a little interest in baseball. Then
I became a single mom with a football-obsessed son. One year, I told
him that since I was forcing him to learn stuff he wasn't interested
in, I would learn about football. I still have no wish to watch an
entire game, but did learn enough that when he calls me over for a
great play "you gotta watch the replay," I'm usually able to
appreciate it. And it's practially impossible to live in New England
without being somewhat obsessed with the Red Sox. The local joke that
isn't much of one is that if a major world crisis were to break out in
late September, the front page headline would be "Sox Win Playoffs"
(WW III started - see p. 3 for coverage.)

--
MGW
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even
when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. - Douglas Hofstadter

Blinky the Shark

2006-06-08, 7:27 pm

MGW wrote:

> I used to be like that, except for a little interest in baseball. Then
> I became a single mom with a football-obsessed son. One year, I told
> him that since I was forcing him to learn stuff he wasn't interested
> in, I would learn about football. I still have no wish to watch an
> entire game, but did learn enough that when he calls me over for a
> great play "you gotta watch the replay," I'm usually able to
> appreciate it. And it's practially impossible to live in New England
> without being somewhat obsessed with the Red Sox. The local joke that
> isn't much of one is that if a major world crisis were to break out in
> late September, the front page headline would be "Sox Win Playoffs"
> (WW III started - see p. 3 for coverage.)

When Boston finally shucked off the Curse Of The Bambino and won their
World Series a couple years ago with the help of the lucky Red Sox hat I
bought for the occasion, I registered at the Boston Globe's website just
so I could add my own congratulations in their Sox forum.

--
Blinky T. "I'm in Los Angeles" Shark RLU 297263
Killing all posts from Google Groups
The Usenet Improvement Project: http://blinkynet.net/comp/uip5.html
Coming Soon: Filtering rules specific to various real news clients

Sally Thompson

2006-06-08, 7:27 pm

On Tue, 6 Jun 2006 13:17:53 +0100, Dylan Parry wrote
(in article <i97al995q09z.dlg@dylanparry.com> ):

> MGW wrote:
>
>
> Oh well. I hope I'm not alone here, but no one on this planet could ever
> get me to give the slightest toss about any sport whatsoever. Everything
> about watching sport on TV (or live, it doesn't matter) is of no
> interest to me, and I would rather go to sleep than watch any of the
> World Cup matches.

Oh no Dylan, you are definitely not alone! Neither I nor my husband have
even the faintest interest in football, or the Olympics, or any sport at all.
Can we get other people to believe this? No. We say, well, we aren't
interested, and they say, but I must tell you about the amazing goal scored
by ... and our eyes glaze over. We also don't have a television so
thankfully we miss the worst excesses. You will be amazed to learn that we
do not have flags waving out of our car either, although we thought of
inventing a football-free zone one.

--
Sally in Shropshire, UK
bed and breakfast near Ludlow: http://www.stonybrook-ludlow.co.uk
Burne-Jones/William Morris window in Shropshire church:
http://www.whitton-stmarys.org.uk

MGW

2006-06-08, 7:27 pm

On 6 Jun 2006 20:26:50 GMT, Blinky the Shark <no.spam@box.invalid>
scrawled:

> MGW wrote:
>
>
> When Boston finally shucked off the Curse Of The Bambino and won their
> World Series a couple years ago with the help of the lucky Red Sox hat I
> bought for the occasion, I registered at the Boston Globe's website just
> so I could add my own congratulations in their Sox forum.

;-)

I grew up an ardent Yankees fan. Finally, 30 years in New England and
13 years of parenting a Red Sox fan converted me, just in time to
enjoy the reversing of the Curse.

--
MGW
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even
when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. - Douglas Hofstadter

Dylan Parry

2006-06-08, 7:27 pm

Sally Thompson wrote:

[Disdain of sport]
> Oh no Dylan, you are definitely not alone!

Oh good!

> You will be amazed to learn that we do not have flags waving out of
> our car either, although we thought of inventing a football-free zone
> one.

Ever listen to Radio 2 in the mornings? Wogan had a funny letter the
other day regarding these car flags. Apparently they are used to point
out bad drivers to their fellow road users - the worst drivers get two
of them ;)

--
Dylan Parry
http://webpageworkshop.co.uk -- FREE Web tutorials and references

Disco Octopus

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

William Tasso wrote:

> Fleeing from the madness of the http://blinkynet.net jungle
> Blinky the Shark <no.spam@box.invalid> stumbled into news:alt.www.webmaster
> and said:
>
> Please do let me hi-jack the off-topicness of this thread ...
>
> Extremely important
> ===================
>
> advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives,
> girlfriends, fiancÃ©s, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in
> general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in
> June/July this year...
>
> LIST OF RULES
>
> 1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, ...

Now that Australia is involved this all makes perfect sense to me.

--
dont pick your nose if it is sore

William Tasso

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Fleeing from the madness of the jungle
Dylan Parry <usenet@dylanparry.com> stumbled into news:alt.www.webmaster
and said:

> Sally Thompson wrote:

>
>
> Ever listen to Radio 2 in the mornings? Wogan had a funny letter the
> other day regarding these car flags.

You're thinking of this (which has been doing the rounds of usenet these
last few weeks) ...

DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED,
MAY 2006.

Information Release.

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of
Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers
and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are
found to be driving badly which includes:

- overtaking in dangerous places
- hovering within one inch of the car in front
- stopping sharply
- speeding in residential areas
- pulling out without indication
- performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets
- under taking on motorways
- taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross,
signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped
to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have
to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack
of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that
drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport.

--
William Tasso

http://williamtasso.com/words/what-is-usenet.asp

Martin Harran

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

"William Tasso" <SpamBlocked@tbdata.com> wrote in message
news:op.tarhy3erm9g4qz-wnt@tbdata.com...

> You're thinking of this (which has been doing the rounds of usenet these
> last few weeks) ...
>
> DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED,
> MAY 2006.

I prefer this one ;)

"The UK government is carrying out a survey on the sizes of British men's
penises. They want to work out the number of men who have three inches or
less. To help in the counting they have asked everyone who fits the said
description to put a white flag with red cross on their cars or houses so
that the numbers can be accurately counted."

Sally Thompson

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

On Tue, 6 Jun 2006 22:48:20 +0100, Dylan Parry wrote
(in article <algb3vw5uzm9.dlg@dylanparry.com> ):

> Sally Thompson wrote:
>
> [Disdain of sport]
>
> Oh good!
>
>
> Ever listen to Radio 2 in the mornings? Wogan had a funny letter the
> other day regarding these car flags. Apparently they are used to point
> out bad drivers to their fellow road users - the worst drivers get two
> of them ;)

ROFL. Yes, I'd heard that one :-)

--
Sally in Shropshire, UK
bed and breakfast near Ludlow: http://www.stonybrook-ludlow.co.uk
Burne-Jones/William Morris window in Shropshire church:
http://www.whitton-stmarys.org.uk

Charles Sweeney

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Dylan Parry wrote

> Ever listen to Radio 2 in the mornings? Wogan had a funny letter the
> other day regarding these car flags. Apparently they are used to point
> out bad drivers to their fellow road users - the worst drivers get two
> of them ;)

They were talking about them this morning, and linking them to IQ!

--
Charles Sweeney
http://CharlesSweeney.com

Dylan Parry

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Charles Sweeney wrote:

[Radio 2 and car flags]
> They were talking about them this morning, and linking them to IQ!

Must have missed that bit! I generally listen from 7.15 - 8.15, so catch
the tail end of Sarah Kennedy's show and the start of Wogan's.

--
Dylan Parry
http://electricfreedom.org -- Where the Music Progressively Rocks!

Charles Sweeney

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Martin Harran wrote

> I prefer this one ;)
>
> "The UK government is carrying out a survey on the sizes of British
> men's penises. They want to work out the number of men who have three
> inches or less. To help in the counting they have asked everyone who
> fits the said description to put a white flag with red cross on their
> cars or houses so that the numbers can be accurately counted."

Does that mean that everyone in Scotland, Wales, N Ireland has a big willy?
These white flags with the red cross, seem to be prevalent in England!

--
Charles Sweeney
http://CharlesSweeney.com

Charles Sweeney

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Sally Thompson wrote

> On Tue, 6 Jun 2006 22:48:20 +0100, Dylan Parry wrote
> (in article <algb3vw5uzm9.dlg@dylanparry.com> ):
>
zone[color=darkred]
point[color=darkred]
two[color=darkred]
>
> ROFL. Yes, I'd heard that one :-)

[Flying flags]

I think it's great. Why not, something to get excited about, f*ck knows
we need it. Being a Scottish football fan, it does nothing for me, but
there's no harm in others getting some joy from it!

I remember in 1974 when Scotland were the only British team to qualify
for the World Cup, we didn't go overboard with flags etc in the way that
happens today. I think things were more austere then!

--
Charles Sweeney
http://CharlesSweeney.com

Dylan Parry

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Charles Sweeney wrote:

> Does that mean that everyone in Scotland, Wales, N Ireland has a big willy?
> These white flags with the red cross, seem to be prevalent in England!

It must be true. I read it on Usenet.

--
Dylan Parry
http://webpageworkshop.co.uk -- FREE Web tutorials and references

Blinky the Shark

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

MGW wrote:
> On 6 Jun 2006 20:26:50 GMT, Blinky the Shark <no.spam@box.invalid>
> scrawled:
>
>
> ;-)
>
> I grew up an ardent Yankees fan. Finally, 30 years in New England and
> 13 years of parenting a Red Sox fan converted me, just in time to
> enjoy the reversing of the Curse.

:) Now, about Johnny Damon...

--
Blinky RLU 297263
Killing all posts from Google Groups
The Usenet Improvement Project: http://blinkynet.net/comp/uip5.html
Coming Soon: Filtering rules specific to various real news clients

Charles Sweeney

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Dylan Parry wrote

> Charles Sweeney wrote:
>
>
> It must be true. I read it on Usenet.

True it is, then!

--
Charles Sweeney
http://CharlesSweeney.com

Charles Sweeney

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

Dylan Parry wrote

> Charles Sweeney wrote:
>
> [Radio 2 and car flags]
>
> Must have missed that bit! I generally listen from 7.15 - 8.15, so catch
> the tail end of Sarah Kennedy's show and the start of Wogan's.

Aye, I figured it would be too late for you! It was sometime between 8.30
and 9.30, which is the part of his show that I normally catch (the joys of
working from home!).

--
Charles Sweeney
http://CharlesSweeney.com

MGW

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

On 7 Jun 2006 09:18:25 GMT, Blinky the Shark <no.spam@box.invalid>
scrawled:

> MGW wrote:

>
> :) Now, about Johnny Damon...

That name is not mentioned in polite company!

--
MGW
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even
when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. - Douglas Hofstadter

Blinky the Shark

2006-06-08, 7:28 pm

MGW wrote:
> On 7 Jun 2006 09:18:25 GMT, Blinky the Shark <no.spam@box.invalid>
> scrawled:
>
>
>
> That name is not mentioned in polite company!

So it should be okay in here... ;)

--
Blinky RLU 297263
Killing all posts from Google Groups
The Usenet Improvement Project: http://blinkynet.net/comp/uip5.html
Coming Soon: Filtering rules specific to various real news clients