Webmaster forum - You Couldn't Make it Up

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You Couldn't Make it Up

robert blake

2005-04-21, 8:23 pm

Saw this on another site.

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

******

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .."

Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
on my desk... Sorry...

******

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

******

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates!

******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it
can't find it...

******

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah..................Thank you.

******

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

******

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: Okay.

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!

******

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

******

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet explorer.

******

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

*******

And the winner is...

Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

Scott Bryce

2005-04-21, 11:24 pm

Charles Sweeney wrote:

> Equally, I hate it when I *only* have an email address, and their inbox is
> full, or there's some other problem, so your message doesn't get delivered.

Or the only contact information you have is their reply to address,
which they have munged.

robert blake

2005-04-21, 11:24 pm

> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>
> Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer
>
> Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>
> Customer: Okay.
>
> Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
>
> Customer: Yes.
>
> Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

the above is possibly my favourite

I guess the help technician must have a similar style of straight faced
humour as to that of my own.

If you can keep a straight face and play a straight bat, it can be very
very funny (well at least to an intelligent audience)

robert blake

2005-04-21, 11:24 pm

"Norman L. DeForest" <af380@chebucto.ns.ca> wrote in
news:Pine.GSO.3.95.iB1.0.1050421191228.19217A-100000
@halifax.chebucto.ns.ca:

>
> On Thu, 21 Apr 2005, robert blake wrote:
>
> [snip other hilarious examples]
>
> One of the email support queries I used to get all too often (sent
> with lynx using a mailto: link) was "Could you please tell me how to
> access and read my email?" with no contact information but their email
> address.

LOL

i had a similar experience recently....stranger wanted me to respond to
them via email, and then I find my email comes back as undeliverable (of
course the potential customer will think that i am an ignorant sod and
ignored them).

Tony

2005-04-22, 4:24 am

"robert blake" <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:Xns96401C9A6C9B0ghtyu@140.99.99.130...
>
>
>
> the above is possibly my favourite
>
> I guess the help technician must have a similar style of straight faced
> humour as to that of my own.
>
> If you can keep a straight face and play a straight bat, it can be very
> very funny (well at least to an intelligent audience)
>

I can keep a straight face when I need to, but while reading this one I was
falling out of my chair.

I remember this one from a friend who did support during the Windows 3.1/95
era:

Tech: Do you have Windows?
Customer: Yes. Should I put the computer by one?

robert blake

2005-04-22, 8:00 pm

"Tony" <someone@somedomain.cam> wrote in
news:116h5hff4f8qadd@corp.supernews.com:

> "robert blake" <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns96401C9A6C9B0ghtyu@140.99.99.130...
>
> I can keep a straight face when I need to, but while reading this one
> I was falling out of my chair.
>
> I remember this one from a friend who did support during the Windows
> 3.1/95 era:
>
> Tech: Do you have Windows?
> Customer: Yes. Should I put the computer by one?

LOL

Given their limited abilities, it is amazing how the vast majoprity of
the population manage to even change channels on the TV or turn the
heating on, of a night.

So many times I have been hailed a rocket sceintist round these parts.
One local family (him and her are high up in local govt) were worshipping
at my feet after I managed to install a program for them on their pc.
Now bear with me - but this issue which had vexed them for months, was
solved by me:-

1 - inserting CD in computer
2 - manually opening explorer
3 - double clicking on file called SETUP
4 - following on-screen instructions

I really am wasted round these parts.

:)

GreyWyvern

2005-04-22, 8:00 pm

On Fri, 22 Apr 2005 07:55:10 -0400, robert blake <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote:

> I really am wasted round these parts.
>
> :)

Time to lay off the suds...

Grey

Tony

2005-04-23, 4:31 am

"robert blake" <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:Xns9640841E6240Fghtyu@140.99.99.130...
> Given their limited abilities, it is amazing how the vast majoprity of
> the population manage to even change channels on the TV or turn the
> heating on, of a night.
>
> So many times I have been hailed a rocket sceintist round these parts.
> One local family (him and her are high up in local govt) were worshipping
> at my feet after I managed to install a program for them on their pc.
> Now bear with me - but this issue which had vexed them for months, was
> solved by me:-
>
> 1 - inserting CD in computer
> 2 - manually opening explorer
> 3 - double clicking on file called SETUP
> 4 - following on-screen instructions
>
> I really am wasted round these parts.
>
> :)

I trust you charged a LOT for the waste of your time.

I had a friend in the late 80's who charged $25 to set the clock on people's
VCRs...

Full name

2005-04-23, 7:20 am

I've been wondering if I was the only one who knew of the following (despite
the claims made for it, I'm still not sure of its veracity).

==============================

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I
think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without
Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).

"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

How do I tell?"

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

What's a sea-prompt?"

Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

What's a monitor?"

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"

I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well , there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power....... a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f___ing stupid to own a computer."

Full name

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

On Sat, 23 Apr 2005 09:43:08 GMT, Full name
<emailaddress@mothertruckers.co.uk> wrote:

>I've been wondering if I was the only one who knew of the following (despite
>the claims made for it, I'm still not sure of its veracity).
>
[snip]

Friend of mine screamed "Urban Legend" and pointed me at
http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm

But then, who says snopes.com is right...

Boo-hoo. Sob, sob.

Norman L. DeForest

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

On Sat, 23 Apr 2005, Full name wrote:

> I've been wondering if I was the only one who knew of the following (despite
> the claims made for it, I'm still not sure of its veracity).

Part of it is true -- up to the point where the tech-support guy learns
that there is a power failure:

"Urban Legends Reference Pages: Humor (Word Imperfect)"
http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm

--
">> consider moving away from Front Page...."
">To what? Any suggestions?"
"Naked bungee-jumping. It's less humiliating <g>"
-- Matt Probert in alt.www.webmaster, March 20, 2005

robert blake

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

"Tony" <someone@somedomain.cam> wrote in
news:116j7np33fr1vef@corp.supernews.com:

> "robert blake" <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns9640841E6240Fghtyu@140.99.99.130...
>
> I trust you charged a LOT for the waste of your time.

LOL

no, but they made me go over again the steps that I had taken.

> I had a friend in the late 80's who charged $25 to set the clock on
> people's VCRs...

lol

i suspect that many a plumber or tradesman makes a pretty penny via the
ignorance of the general public.

robert blake

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

Full name <emailaddress@mothertruckers.co.uk> wrote in
news:e56k615f2ng0uele7gr7rg96igk83ahv04@4ax.com:

> Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
>
> "Tell them you're too f___ing stupid to own a computer."
>

ROFLOL!!

classic!

power failure!!!!

Geez you'd need to have the patience of a doctor, to keep a straight face
and not either laugh out loud or throw an angry fit, at some of the shite
you have to deal with in those help line jobs.

It's a job for a special type of person I'd imagine.

Don

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

On 23 Apr 2005 robert blake wrote in alt.www.webmaster

> Geez you'd need to have the patience of a doctor, to keep a straight face
> and not either laugh out loud or throw an angry fit, at some of the shite
> you have to deal with in those help line jobs.
>
> It's a job for a special type of person I'd imagine.

Viper :)

--
Don

Full name

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

On Sat, 23 Apr 2005 17:15:11 GMT, robert blake <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote:

>Full name <emailaddress@mothertruckers.co.uk> wrote in
>news:e56k615f2ng0uele7gr7rg96igk83ahv04@4ax.com:
>
>
>
>
>
>ROFLOL!!
>
>classic!
>
>power failure!!!!
>
>Geez you'd need to have the patience of a doctor, to keep a straight face
>and not either laugh out loud or throw an angry fit, at some of the shite
>you have to deal with in those help line jobs.
>
>It's a job for a special type of person I'd imagine.
Dunno about that, but I worked in an electric and gas power company
call-centre for a while and you *do* have to squeeze the desk that little
bit tighter at times. Like when a very attractive-sounding lady tells you
her name is Mrs Topliss, or when one of the World's Great Sub-human Mumblers
tells you he's been trying to read the gas meter by match-light, or when
someone moans at you for putting up the charges and it turns out that
neither her nor her husband has looked at their bank statement for 10
months...

robert blake

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

Don <smidon@XXXXXXXXXX> wrote in
news:Xns964175A4CD548none@207.217.125.201:

> On 23 Apr 2005 robert blake wrote in alt.www.webmaster
>
>
> Viper :)
>

LOL

he'd have launched a cull of all his companies stupid customers done within
his first week there.

They'd all be strung up.

;)

William Tasso

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

On Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:15:11 +0100, robert blake <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote:
> ...
> some of the shite
> you have to deal with in those help line jobs.
> It's a job for a special type of person I'd imagine.

Time for this again?

http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard1.html

--
Whatever you do - do something.

robert blake

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

"William Tasso" <SpamBlocked@tbdata.com> wrote in
news:op.sppcnifwm9g4qz@jupiter.cavern.tbdata.com:

> On Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:15:11 +0100, robert blake <4444D@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> Time for this again?
>
> http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard1.html
>

thanks William.

I have saved this url for later enjoyment (once I have watched match of the
day and sank some wine)

Charles Sweeney

2005-04-23, 7:28 pm

robert blake wrote

> I have saved this url for later enjoyment (once I have watched match
> of the day and sank some wine)

Having some red myself tonight. Match of the day is all English stuff.
The match of the season is tomorrow (Rangers v Celtic)!!

Wanted to watch the repeat of The Apprentice, but it's on near to midnight
here in Scotland! See how I feel in an hour.

--
Charles Sweeney
http://CharlesSweeney.com

Charles Sweeney

2005-04-24, 7:40 am

robert blake wrote

> yes old firm match tomorrow could decide the title!

Sure could. We (Celtic) are two points clear, a win and it's virtually all
over. Any other result, then it's all to play for.

> appremtice any good? i haven't seen any of it

Yes, it's excellent. Getting near the end now. I didn't have a TV for
five years, partly because of all the crap, but I like this!

--
Charles Sweeney
http://CharlesSweeney.com

robert blake

2005-04-24, 7:41 am

Charles Sweeney <me@charlessweeney.com> wrote in
news:Xns96426BD1B1D95mecharlessweeneycom@130.133.1.4:

> robert blake wrote
>
>
> Sure could. We (Celtic) are two points clear, a win and it's
> virtually all over. Any other result, then it's all to play for.

hope celtic win it. I'm a big fan of Martin o'Neill.

Altho I saw that celtic snr mgt need to be careful with their mobile
phones! lol

>
> Yes, it's excellent. Getting near the end now. I didn't have a TV
> for five years, partly because of all the crap, but I like this!
>

caught the final 10 mins last night. Yes, looked sharp and good.